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The Hills Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys watch The Hills season premiere last night? In typical fashion, absolutely nothing happened, yet everything happened.

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Heidi tried to get her new tear ducts to work. Heidi failed.

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The rest of the kids went to the Super Bowl without, you know, going to the Super Bowl.

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The producers tried to get us to believe that Brody was after Audrina. Seriously, haven’t we done this like 5,000 times already? Is Brody the only man alive?

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They filmed Kristin waiting for a drink and made it seem like she gave a shit about Brody/Audrina.

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Kristin had a good time in Miami with Stacie The Bartender, while the evil stepsisters Lo, Stephanie and Audrina plotted their I don’t really give a shit about you but intervention. Why you may ask? Because Kristin was hungover after partying in Miami! And she wears sunglasses and has skinny legs! Somebody call Jeff Vanvonderen.

Audrina-Lo-Stephanie-the-hills

“People are talking about how you have a drug problem!” And by “people” we mean, we were just talking about it like 10 minutes ago.

By the way, people who have been to rehab, have DUIs, been arrested for shoplifting, and have a history of drug problems, and have called themselves “blackout drinkers” might want to rethink the judgyness. Or at least try to get their “friend” help in a more constructive way. Just a thought.

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In closing, we were treated to a 15-minute music montage of people wheeling their luggage out to Escalades and driving to the airport. Whee!

Next Week: The return of Justin Bobby. Reality TV whore Ryan Cabrera shows up, Spencer Pratt has anger issues, Heidi’s sister Holly shows range, and Kristin starts a fight with some new psycho clinger of Brody’s. Can’t wait till next Tuesday!

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